Why the beyond boring blogpost title, you ask? One tenuous link comin’ up…
Blake Lively launched her own ‘Goop’-eqsue website today called Preserve and for anyone about to google it to find out what the hell I’m on about, let me save you the hassle. It’s confusing and vague and pointless. But she does reference being hungry quite a lot in her editor’s letter. And while she, she tells us, is ‘hungry for experiences’ rather than ‘enchiladas’, (sorry there, what a spa. I don’t care if you’ve got princess hair) I my friends, am just plain HUNGRY right now. Allow me to explain.
Right, so I’m around a size 12. Or a ten on a great day, a 14 on a not-so-great day. I’ll be very honest and say that six days out of seven I find serious fault with the way I look. On the seventh day, I go absolutely biblical with the selfies to capture the moment where I didn’t feel like the back end of a (badly dressed) bus. People who only know me via the internet would most definitely pass me in the street because I do not look like my profile pictures. Any of them.
Anyway, where I’m going with this. I exercise a good bit, I do pretty intense weight training twice a week and always give 100% to it. I frequently lose my hearing/will to live during a session which my trainer can vouch for, and on more than one occasion I’ve gotten sick in my mouth a little. (Overshare?!)
But I don’t diet. My diet is pretty rotten, actually. I eat sugar like it’s going out of fashion. Fizzy drinks, complex carbs, chocolate, ice cream. You dream it, I’ll eat it. So while I know I have lots o’muscle going on, no one can see it properly because it’s bathed in Nutella and garlic mayonnaise. With that in mind, for the second time this year, I decided to go sugar-free. This time it’s a six week plan. I’m only on day one, and so far, it’s going terribly. Today at work was TOUGH. Please see exhibit A…
The madness that went through my mind as I sat at my desk today in no particular order…
- Can’t wait for lunch, I’m absolutely hank marvin’. OH NO, SORRY. Take it back. Lunch is salad and salmon, without sauce and without joy.
- Great, lunch has finally arrived. Make the best of it. Stay positive. You’re not even THAT hungry, like. *Lies, all lies*
- Okay. This cherry tomato is delicious. I can do this. God I love red onion.
- This salmon tastes like floor. How can fish taste like floor??!?
- I’m bereft.
- Have another glass of water. Your skin will look fantastic and sure it’s a hot day, you’ll be the most hydrated person ever. And if you need to pee 89 times… Well that’s just more exercise!
- I might die.
- I wonder will I have enough energy for the gym later if I eat like a rabbit today? Probably not. Maybe if I faint they’ll inject me with sugar to pep me back up?!
- It’s only…. 116 hours until I can have a cheat meal. I wonder if they count five pizzas as one cheat meal?
- I might just go have a little cry somewhere.
- Why didn’t I clear my desk of all chocolately goodness yesterday before this eating clean thing began?? The Cadbury’s Giant Chocolate Buttons are staring at me, mocking me. They’re drawing me in. Maybe just one? NO. Stay strong.
- But just ONE won’t hurt. YES IT WILL. You’re a weakling, woman. A weakling. You can’t go half a day without sugar. It controls you.
- OMG sugar totally controls me. I’ve had a breakthrough.
- I wish I could have some kind of sugary reward for arriving at my breakthrough, although that would probably be counterproductive.
- I wonder if I just lick the chocolate would that ease my cravings?? What if some of the chocolate melted? Ooh. Wait hang on, that’s still eating sugar. Sh*t.
- It’s fine. It’s 1.56pm. I can totally wait FOUR MORE DAYS to eat something I actually want.
- I wish I had a chef. I wish I was a chef. I wish I was loaded and could just get lipo and be done with all this.
- I have a headache. Chocolate would totally fix that, it’s like nature’s Panadol. Except it’s not from nature, it’s processed. Processed = bad. Sugar = bad. I love sugar.
- ALL I WANT IN THE UNIVERSE IS A GOD DAMN CHOCOLATE BUTTON. Just the one. Once it’s a giant one. Covered in syrup and washed down with an ice cold can of Coca Cola.
- I have to go lift very heavy weights for an hour now. And do planks, and row, and stay alive. Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive… *Bee Gees medley continues unabated for a good three minutes until hunger hits to torture me afresh.*
I won’t be keeping you posted on my progress, because then I’ll only get the guilts when I break and eat an entire Lemon Meringue Pie in one sitting. You have no idea how hard it was just to TYPE that beautiful dessert. If you don’t hear from me, send four boxes of McVities Jaffa Cakes to….. That Girl That Looks Upset, First Floor, 334, Death Road, Hell. Ta.