Here were my immediate thoughts on The Statement…
1. OH MY GOD
2. OH MY GOD this is going to be good. She never does this. It’s her policy to keep her private family stuff private and here she is releasing a statement because they were caught RAPIH on video
3. Eh, right. This is telling me nothing. When you say “…there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident…” that IMPLIES that you might, I dunno, kill the speculation by telling us??
4. Okay wonderful, they’ve all apologised and moved forward. BUT WHAT HAPPENED PLEASE THANKS!?
5. Family family family, blah blah blah
6. Reports of Solange being intoxicated are false? Not sure I believe that lads, wha?
7. WHY IS THIS ALL SO BLAND?! There is no new information here.
What I think, having had a chance to compose my thoughts…
Right, it’s the least exciting statement ever written about anything, they didn’t coin ANY new phrases (Gwyneth 1 – 0 Beyoncé) but here. They’re a family. Things happen. Fights happen. Show me one family who hasn’t gone to a party as a unit and come back as a broken down piece of crap that heals itself miraculously a week later and I’ll show you The Brady Bunch. And maybe the Nolans. But that’s it.
They hadn’t intended for that fight to be shown to the public, and I’m sure if your family had carried on like that you’d be bleedin’ scarleh’ as well? So maybe we should just accept Bey/Jay/Solange’s boring-as-sh*te statement and let them get back to being painstakingly private?
Now. HERE is what the statement might as well have said… As imagined by me:
“Hey public. If you could stop your incessant internet flapping for a moment, we’re gonna just straighten out NOTHING about what happened the other night.
What we WILL say is that Beyoncé, Jay Z and Solange are members of the same family. Did you know that? Well they are. And they had a bit of a barney in a lift and thought no one would see. BUT SOMEONE DID. That someone is now fired but considerably richer than they were before this occured.
We’re gonna divulge sweet feck all about why we rowed. We’re gonna tell you that Solange wasn’t DRANKIN’, and that Jay is a lovely gentleman who made up with his nutbag sister-in-law, and now everything in their family is just plain DANDY.
So if you could all kindly stop harassing us and making wildly accusatory comments about us all, we’d really appreciate it. And before you all ask, Rihanna and Rita Ora won’t be commenting on anything, and we’ve already had our bodyguard’s mouth taped up. Nighty night now. SUCKAAAAAS!!”