I Would Like To Buy A Hamburger…

This is the story of the most embarrassing, but most hilarious, thing that’s ever happened to me.

Let me set the scene…

I was in McDonalds in Dundrum with my friend… Phil. (His name isn’t Phil but because of the level of embarrassment I caused him that day, he’ll probably want to remain anonymous. And so I chose something the merely rhymes with his name.)

Anyone who knows me will know of my sincere, everlasting and extremely passionate love for McDonalds. I know, I know. The chips are made from dust and the skin shavings of elderly people and the burgers are reconstituted fish bits mixed with muck, but listen. If loving it is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

I hadn’t had McDonalds for quite a while (I was trying to eat reasonably well) so I was EXCEPTIONALLY excited to be queuing up for the food. We got towards the top and there was a middle aged, unassuming man loitering to the left of me, but I barely noticed anyone, all I could focus on was the ordering.

We ordered. The tray was being filled on the other side of the counter. The excitement got too much and without a thought, seconds after the fresh, hot hamburger was placed on the tray, I stretched my arm across and grabbed it. I didn’t lift it up, I just…. fondled.

I made that noise that Homer makes in The Simpsons when something is delicious. I squeezed that hamburger with these little gentle squeezes, five or six times, all the while thinking “I’m gonna eat this soon!!”

Phil, witnessing this, puts his hand towards his mouth and quietly, but firmly says “Aisling, that’s not our tray, THAT’S NOT OURS, stop fondling the burger…”

I glance to my left.

The middle aged man is standing, HORRIFIED, watching me fondle HIS hamburger.

I pulled my hand away at the speed of light, and turn on my heels and walk away, leaving Phil to shrug his shoulders at the man – I wasn’t there, but I’d imagine Phil made some kind of “She’s only out for the day, forgive her?” kinda face.

I ran off and plonked myself down in a seat, and began laughing so hard and so loudly that people were actually watching me. Not just looking around, but actually watching. Then, the middle aged man, whose order was thankfully completely on his tray (fondled burger and all) walked towards me. I had OF COURSE accidentally sat down beside his wife, whose burger it was.

I LEPT up, ran to another seat and continued the uncontrollable laughter. By the time Phil arrived with the food, I was laughing so much that an entire FAMILY that I was next to were laughing as well. At me. I was in such convulsions that I could barely eat my food, and every time I glanced at the poor man and his wife I started the laughing all over again. About 30 minutes later, still tears running down my face from the hilarity, I finished my meal and left.

That man might never return to McDonalds. But I reckon the family laughing at me had a great aul night!