Rugby for Dummies

Rugby for Dummies…again?

Yes, I know what you’re all thinking. I’ve seen that before. And you have. But the whole country is rugby-mad at the mo because of the Six Nations, so I thought I’d shove it in your faces once more. Hope ya enjoy it. Again.

My dad informed me recently that there was too much fashion and make-up and girl stuff on my blog.

I explained that I’m a girl, and I’d imagine most of my readers are girls. And apart from a dedicated but very small group of males who read regularly, I tend to write with females in mind.

His suggestion was to write something on “ya know, golf or rugby”. Yeah. Well. Herein lies the problem.

Golf makes me want to self-harm. I can’t bear to watch it for longer than three minutes before I’m compelled to flee into the night. It’s just so BORING. I know, any golf lovers will be all “how can you think it’s boring? It’s captivating”, blah blah blah. Not for me, thanks.

Rugby, on the other hand, I can get on board with. Rugby is anything but boring. There’s action. And there’s speed and accuracy and big huge men and a big huge ball and all sorts of nice things that you find in good sports. I was more excited to post about rugby.

But I decided to do a ‘Rugby for Girls’ Guide. NOT Girl Guides. A Girl’s Guide. Different. So here we go.

Top Teams

The top teams in the world are generally these, in no particular order, except the first fellas:

New Zealand: also known as the ‘All Blacks’ maybe because they wear all black. See? Fashion! They spontaneously break into a dance routine before each match. And they say rugby is a mans game. Pfft!

Ireland: Yes, we’re actually fairly deadly at rugby, unlike most other sports (apart from GAA but that doesn’t count cos it’s just us who plays). Oh and we have some of the world’s best players on our team. C’mon Ireland!

South Africa: also known as ‘The Springboks’ – don’t know why, don’t care. They wear gold and green.

France: also known as ‘Les Bleus’, presumably because they like blue better than their other national colours? We don’t have to hate them like we hate the soccer team. They can touch the ball whenever they want.

England: I don’t know if they have a nickname. My dad’s proposed nickname would no doubt be unpublishable pre-watershed. They wear white mostly, and the red rose is their team emblem.

Australia: Their nickname, God bless them, is ‘The Wallabies’. The play wearing green and gold. They sing Waltzing Matilda all the time. I’d imagine if they weren’t rugby players, I’d bully them on the playground.

Wales: Can’t find their nickname either. Everyone on the team is called Stephen Jones, David Jones, Gareth Davies, or Thomas Thomas. ALL of them. Except Gethin Jenkins.

Argentina: Their nickname is Los Pumas. Without having a translator to hand, I’d imagine that’s something to do with pumas. The animal, not the runners. They wear blue and white, the national flag colours.

About 0.00000023% of the Rules:

Object of the game: to get the ball past the giant poles either by kicking it or by charging past 15 huge angry men

Methods for achieving the aforementioned:

Running at speed, ball in-hand, avoiding layer-upon-layer of burly man trying to stop you

Kicking the ball towards the giant poles hoping your team might catch it

Methods for stopping the other team from achieving the aforementioned:

Grabbing them as they run and dragging them to the ground

Catching the ball that has been kicked in your direction

Some of the stuff that’s not allowed

Throwing the ball forward (apparently, that’d be too easy)

Stamping on people while they’re in the pile of men that seems to form every 5 seconds

Tackling someone in such a way that might make them break their neck (fair enough, I suppose)

Actually killing someone

Apart from that, pretty much anything goes

Names and simple explanations of positions

(FYI, there are 15 players per team on the pitch, and unlike soccer, all the teams use basically the same formations, and each position has a skill specific to their position)

Forwards (these guys, I presume, go forward?) also known as the ‘pack’:

Numbers 1 & 3 – the props. They support the hooker. Much like pimps, really. They are usually strong and heavy. For keeping other pimps away from their hooker. Turf wars are not cool.

Number 2 – the hooker. They ‘hook’ the ball in the scrum. Not like prostitutes at all really.

Here is where I got bored with the position explanations. Literally, I would be here for the duration of a rugby match on this topic alone. FYI: 40 mins per half.

Rugby Lexicon

Things you might hear during a game and wonder about

Breakdown: basically, this is anything the opposition do to stop the player with the ball from getting where they wanna get.

Tackle: the rugby term for wanton violence. Often results in a pile of men being formed.

Ruck: something that happens after a tackle. Looks a lot like a pile of men.

Maul: something that happens when the lad with the ball stays on his feet. Looks a lot like a moving pile of men.

Scrum: fairest way to restart the game after a minor infringement. Looks a lot like an organised, moving pile of men.

Line-out: when the ball goes outside the lines, the players line up nicely and lift some tall lad to catch the ball. Looks nothing like a pile of men, thank god.

22: they’re talking in metres when they say this. “Inside the 22” means the opposition is less than 22 metres from the line they can score at. Try to refrain from breaking into the Lily Allen song when you hear them say this.

TMO: Television match official. If the referees on the pitch are having a lazy day, there’s another ref with a TV in a room somewhere that can rewind the action and check if something bold happened. Like people watching at home, except one subtle difference – the ref can actually hear them when they scream at the TV.

Sin Bin: if a player does something bold, the ref can give him a yellow card. This means he has to go and sit in the sin bin for 10 minutes while he watches his teammates suffer on, a man down. Red cards mean he doesn’t get to come back on.

Phase: this counts the amount of times the team manage to form a pile of men before they score, or before they lose the ball to the opponents.

Offside rule: if you thought the soccer offside rule was complicated, you’d explode if you heard the rules of rugby offsidedness. And in an effort to keep my daily view count up, I’d rather not make people explode.

Scoring

(as in, during the game, this is not a ‘How To’ guide on bagging yourself a rubgy player)

Try: you’ll know this has happened because a man will slide onto the ground holding the ball and then a whistle will blow and the crowd will erupt into screams of joy. Ooh, a try is worth 5 points.

Penalty try: you’ll know this happened because no one will cross the line and the crowd will erupt into screams of anger, followed by screams of joy. Also worth 5 points.

Conversion: after a try is awarded, just to kick the other team while they’re down, the try scoring team get to go ahead and add two more points to their total by kicking the ball between the posts of the giant H.

Drop Goal: looks remarkably like a conversion, except the kicking fella isn’t allowed stop to sort himself out first, he has to kick the ball on the go. Three points if he gets it above the crossbar and between the posts.

Penalty goal: this is worth 3 points. Like the lovechild of the conversion and the drop-goal, given when the ref says an indiscretion occurred.

Some names to drop

Brian O’Driscoll – also known as Drico to his fellow players. Some spas call him BOD. Arguably the best player in his position (centre) in the world. Definitely so, if you ask my dad.

Paul O’Connell – he’s the lock for Ireland and Munster. Very tall. Ginger. Gets lifted up all the time, you can’t miss him. Also one of the best locks around.

Jamie Heaslip – Ireland number 8. That’s what they call that position, I’m not just being lazy and not finding out what it’s called. He’s very good apparently.

Matt Giteau – plays fly half for Australia. Again, apparently very good. Adept at slicing through holes, so I hear.

Morne Steyn – hilarious name. Plays at fly half for South Africa.

Rob Kearney – full-back/wing. Girls go mad for him. My sister advised me that I should marry him. As if it was a viable option for me. He couldn’t handle my talent. *ahem*

Ronan O’Gara – here’s a player I like. He’s very handsome and has a cute and effective little method for setting himself up to take conversions and penalty kicks. Little on the old side, but still good.

Felipe Contepomi – plays for Argentina. He has a twin. Please note: His name is not Felipe Cotton Pony.

I’m not going to deny it. This guide to rugby is full of gaping holes and is peppered with glib remarks about a very important sports game. To try to explain every single aspect of the art of rugby is possible, of course, but too tedious and boring for me, the blogosphere and all of you fine people.

But this should get you through the next Six Nations without angering every rugby fan that comes in contact with you. Maybe.

Tags: boys, golf, guide, how to, men, ronan o'gara, rugby, sport