Four Festival Forewarnings

There's me, posing in my tent :)

As a first timer to a festival just last year (I know, I was missing out), I found out a few little nuggets of information that no one had provided me with any warning of.

I had heard about the weather causing mayhem, muck-wise, and I had heard that going to the toilet wasn’t the most pleasant experience, but no one truly prepares you for what’s ahead.

To top it off, I don’t drink alcohol. So I was less pissed that 99% of the attendees of Electric Picnic 2009, and so was a little less calm about many of the disgusting/awkward/dirty situations I got myself into.

Here is a guide to the somewhat unconsidered aspects of festival attendance.

The Permanent Jumpsuit

Firstly, obvious one: Don’t wear ANYTHING resembling a jumpsuit to a festival. Might look smashing. Might suit your figure. Hell it might even have a pocket that perfectly conceals a beer can. But just don’t do it. Minimise the time spent in the portaloos at all costs.

Speaking of portaloos: You WILL have to hold your wee for disgraceful lengths of time. Particularly in the morning time. If you can, go number one before bed (if you plan to sleep, that is) because the queue at the Portaloos in the AM is a no place for a hungover person’s full bladder.

You’re best off either getting up super early or super late if you’re looking to immediately empty your bladder. And boys can just go at those…what are they called again…FENCES. They don’t NEED a loo for a number one. They just drop trou wherever they happen to be when the urge hits. Including the side of your tent. Beware.

Showers? What are they?!

Yes, ladies. If you are in any way hygiene freak-ish, don’t go to a festival. Just don’t put yourself through it. I figured I’d be okay with babywipes, a bit of dry shampoo and a bottle of water for brushing my teeth. Well I wasn’t okay. I was NOT ok.

You don’t come prepared for some drunken, dancing lout with three pints in one hand spilling said pints all over your hair and down your back for shits and giggles. That’s what happened to me, and trust me when I say getting the smell of beer out of your hair without a shower is IMPOSSIBLE. And your back will be sticky and smell like a bar floor for the entire weekend.

Neither does anyone prepare you for the fact that rain makes you smell. As does excessive sweating IF the sun shows its face. So you’re gonna be a hotbed for dirt and germs for the duration. Just so ya know. Oh, and if you think you’re manky – what about the lads in the tent next to you that fart in their sleep?

Concert Etiquette Applies…

(…Times a thousand)

What do people at concerts do best? Push. Shove. Elbow. Jump up and down. Scream. Make noise. People at festivals are just like that. Except on more drugs. And it doesn’t end when the acts end. Oh no. That mannerless behaviour follows you all the way back to the campsite and spans the length of the festival.

So become one with the madness and let yourself go. An hour in to the festival, everyone has forgotten the manners their mammy drilled into them and is covered in muck. Get in on the action and don’t worry about looking good.

Whoever has their eye on you is also filthy, smelly and drunk. If you manage to meet someone at a festival (as opposed to a fumble in a strangers’ tent) and they take you out in the future, you’ll look like Princess Caroline compared to your festival self.

I’m Gonna Hurl

More than anything, at a festival, you need a strong stomach. You’ll discover why when the following things happen you and your first instinct is, of course, to puke:

Someone walks by you that smells so bad that flies are AVOIDING them

You witness someone vomiting up their chilli dinner…and nine consecutive pints

You’ll see human poop. Somewhere unexpected. Like beside your tent. Where you have to sleep

Instead of queuing for an hour at the portaloo, you risk the dreaded LONGDROP:

How bad could it be, you ask yourself. Well. Let me just say this. It is the single worst thing I’ve ever seen/smelled/heard (YES, HEARD) and lived through in general. Don’t do it unless you’re some kind of Iron Stomach Champion.

Four Festival Fast Fixes

Yes, I know, I am the alliteration queen

Make a mini rule: No shoes/wellies/mucky items inside the main tent. Leave them in the little entrance/porch type part of your tent. You’ll thank God you stuck to that rule when you see everyone else sleeping on a sleeping bag caked in muck and other things that masquerade as muck.

Wear some reliable false eyelashes. Ones that will last the weekend. Mascara runs. Eyeshadow fades. Eyeliner gets rubbed off. Falsies will keep you looking a bit glam and don’t take any upkeep apart from a little early morning glue.

Bring something non-perishable that you can eat in the mornings. Like breakfast bars or mini cereal packets that you can eat dry. Something anyway. Eating a hot dog at 9am is not good, no matter how drunk you are. Your stomach will thank you for at least ONE good meal a day.

Wear two pairs of over the knee socks. Ok, it might seem a little much. But. In your wellies, your feet will get cold if they’re standing in muck all day. The over the knee aspect just looks good. But the outer pair are great for keeping mud out of the INSIDE of your wellies. Turn the outer pair of socks down over the top of your wellies. It stops anything untoward getting in there and turning your wellies into muck containers.

Ooh, one last tip: Have fun.

Despite all my complaining and all the atrocities I was privy to at the Picnic last year, it was honest to God one of the best weekends of my life. So let your hair down. Get your face painted. Go to the circus. And be safe.

Tags: Electric Picnic, festivals, hygiene, list, lists, music festivals, oxegen, smells, tents, tips