Imelda Marcos Eat Your Heart Out

“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”

- Imelda Marcos

I was in Topshop today with my good pal Muinteoir Huge*. She is a madser for flagrant shoe purchasing. I saw some gorge ones today, and was thinking about some designer shoes that I’d have to sell the contents of my parents’ house to afford. So to pay homage to the lovely things we use to cover our feet and occasionally give us blisters… Here’s a shoe post.

That last pair are mine :)

The rest are ones I wish I owned… *fades off into shoedream*

*name changed to protect Rachels HER identity.

Twenty Random Celebrities, Twenty Long Held Opinions

In alphabetical order, of course.

Alexandra Burke

Looks like a transvestite most of the time, thinks she’s the SHIT now that she’s famous, and as for that Sure Deodorant ad? GOD it’s so staged and fake looking, she can’t act. Look at those arms, that jawline, those manhands. Sex change alert!

Christian Bale

Absolute freak of nature. That recording of him seals the deal. He’s bonkers. And his “Batman” voice – the single most ridiculous, fake and over dramatic attempt at speaking EVER. He should be put down.

Daniel Radcliffe

The only reason they gave you the part of Harry Potter is because you looked cute in glasses as a ten year old. Eleven years on, and all those movies, and Dan…You STILL can’t act. You’ve got the emotional capabilities of a shower curtain.

Ellen Pompeo

Is it just me, or is she not good looking enough to have a show named after her character? Am I being shallow? Her face is kinda irritating.

Emily Blunt

Gorgeous, fabulous actress, superb comic timing, but those veneers were a HUGE mistake (unless your next role is as Bugs Bunny’s love interest) Huge – both literal and metaphorical in this instance.

Eminem

Doesn’t matter how many times he falls of the wagon and gets back on, the man is a lyrical genius and should be in the rapping hall of fame for more than just his colour.

Jedward

Oh, sorry. I forgot this list was meant for celebrities.

Jennifer Aniston

Hugely underrated actress who should be given some heartier roles than the usual fluff she signs up for. She is a great comedienne and she has my absolute DREAM hair.

Keith Duffy

Seems like a genuine, down to earth kinda guy despite his success. And he’s just another one of the members of Boyzone made redundant when Cheating Keating starts ssshhinging.

Kendra Wilkinson

Two words: STOP LAUGHING. Seriously, the woman laughs like someone is performing a colonic irrigation on her while ticking her feet. Disturbing.

Kim Kardashian

Instead of words, I will illustrate my thoughts about the gorgeous Kim with this photograph.

Nicole Scherzinger

You really can’t sing all that well. All your songs are altered to put you in key. However, you do have the most amazing figure I’ve ever seen. And your hair is as thick as your former band mates.

Paul Rudd

Will forever stay in my mind thanks to his “Slappin’ the bass” scene in I Love You Man. Really one of the funniest actors in movies today. And I loved him as Mike in Friends too.

Peaches Geldof

Misguided little girl, who grew up too soon because of the media attention of her. Probably has the mental age of a preschooler and is reportedly marrying AGAIN, this time to totally normal, sane person *cough* Eli Roth. 17 year age gap. Yuk.

Penelope Cruz

Were it possible to do a swap with someone for their speaking voice and accent, Penelope would find herself speaking Dublinese very quickly. Meanwhile I’d be swanning around Ireland looking like I do, sounding like a Spanish princess.

Russell Brand

There’s something strangely attractive about him that I never really saw until I went to “Get Him to the Greek” there last week. And he better not cheat on Katy Perry. Funny guy though.

Tom Cruise

Always thought Tommy was a little nutter, what with the whole Scientology thing. But I have newfound respect for him after seeing him and Cameron Diaz on Top Gear. Fair play to Top Gear for getting them on.

Whitney Port

The only truly decent, intelligent one of all The Hills girls, and The City girls for that matter (yeah, Palermo, ya big bitch, I mean you). Lauren Conrad seems quite nice but stirred shit a lot on the show.

Will Ferrell

I think I might be one of the only people in the world who doesn’t find him remotely funny. I’ve seen Anchorman and got through it without much laughing. Ditto with his small part in Wedding Crashers. Very ‘meh’ as comedy actors go.

Zooey Deschanel

Katy Perry is basically her, expect with the figure of a Playboy bunny. The resemblance is uncanny, I think. Look.

Acting the Goat

Wanna see something funny?

Oh okay. I’ll find something.

This video is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on Youtube. I rarely post videos but this needs to be enjoyed by the world. Not that the world reads this blog. Thanks to my good friend Grainne and also, Mythbusters, for showing me this video. :) It’s still funny, even after watching it…seven times.

Sunshine, Lollipops

Because it’s such a lovely sunny day and because I truly appreciate my sunglasses, hereare a few pretty pictures for you to feast your eyes on. Please excuse the non-sunglasses pic of Amanda Seyfried at the end. They are just glasses. But I think she looks fab in it. And this is my blog, so I can get away with it.

Six Things Girls Just KNOW

You know the way men can be ridiculously blind to certain things that are as obvious as Lindsay Lohan’s lip injections? Yeah. Well. Here are some things that women KNOW. Enjoy.

We’re always right

Just thought I’d launch right in there with that one. I can safely say I’ve just alienated my entire male readership. Hi boys!

No matter what the situation we always know we are right. About something. 90% of the things we have said could be utterly erroneous, but it doesn’t matter, because that means we’re 10% right. And with God as our witness we will hang on to that 10% and use it as leverage to convince doubters that we are correct 100% of the time. Even if we don’t succeed, we still go to sleep thinking we were totally right. About everything.

Old School Glad Eye :)

When a girl likes a guy

Guys go through life being oblivious to this. But we know when a girl sees something she likes in someone and gives them the glad eye. This power to sense attraction is only heightened when the guy about to be glad eyed upon is your boyfriend or prospective boyfriend. The reason we have this excellent and highly useful sixth sense is because we once were the girl that liked someone and was preparing to glad eye his face off. We know what slight moves and gestures mean “I like you” and we can spot them a mile away on a foggy day.

When a girl doesn’t like another girl

We can tell a lot about our own kind, obviously. Up above we had glad eye being thrown around. Down here, let me

Brad Pitt's personal version of Glad Eye :)

introduce you to stink eye. It’s what girls give other girls if they don’t like them. Obviously, if you openly don’t like someone, it’s ok if it’s obvious. But if you’ve to pretend to like someone – that’s where stink eye comes in. Secret stink eye can be detected. It’s usually disguised by a smile and fake laughter. And can be seen in full view once the ‘victim’ has her back turned. It goes from smile to snarl in a millisecond. Quite amazing really. And we can always tell.

Celebrity Stuff

Yes, I am generalising here. Some girls couldn’t give a rat’s ass about celebrities and their shallow little… *cough* I mean, highly interesting, compelling and admirable lives. But even the most anti-celeb girl will have a vague idea what I’d mean if I said, “OMG, Kristen is cheating on R-Patz with Taylor! And Shiloh just lost her first tooth. What a day.” Whereas boys…well let’s just leave them in the dark about the whole thing.

And for the record, I unashamedly LOVE with a passion the wondrous channel they call E! Entertainment. Jeez. I know, Giuliana Rancic is like an anorexic giraffe and they recently let King Spastic (Joe Jonas) co-present, but still. Pretty Wild, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, Kendra, Holly’s World, Girls of the Playboy Mansion, not to mention E! True Hollywood Stories… Love it all.**

When text messages or Facebook statuses have ‘tone’

This is one that the male of the species are notoriously bad at. Let me give you an example. If you received a text from your boyfriend saying something like “Yeah, whatever. I don’t care where we go. You’re GREAT at picking anyway.” And you showed it to another guy? They’d be all “Cool. Pick somewhere. He thinks you do it well.” Whereas we’d be all “OH GOD, he’s p****d. What’s up with him? He obviously hates me and never wants to see me again.”

Maybe, just maybe, that’s an exaggeration of the way that situation would go down, but you get the drift. Girls can sense when someone jammed their fingers onto the keypad and sent it with a scorn on their face. We just can. We know the significance of kisses, no kisses, full stops, no full stops, exclamation marks and of course, smiley faces. So use them with consideration and due care.

EVERYONE looks better with a tan

Fact. Of. Life. Why do you think we spend so much money on the stuff? Granted – there are occasions where people put the tan in tangerine and make Oompa Loompas look like albinos – but for the most part, a healthy glow makes everyone look a bit better. I always find my body looks more shapely and even slimmer when it’s tanned. There are a few lucky women who suit being pale – ones with naturally glassy complexions and skin like porcelain – but for most of us, me and my ruddy complexion included, we need a bit of colour. Ooh, I should probably say faking it is the way to go, and SPF is recommended if you’re planning to sunbathe.

**Just an aside to that… I also watch the news. And I read the paper. And I read books, frequently too. Just so you don’t think I’m made of candyfloss and air.

Examine Yourself Today

Five (Non Mundane) Things I Do Daily, Without Fail

So. There are certain things that everyone does every day, little idiosyncrasies that you don’t really notice until you take the time to examine yourself and the minute details of your actions. I decided to do just that, and make a lovely list of the random, weird, interesting (I hope) things that I do daily, without fail.

Aside from the regular stuff, like ‘put in my contact lenses’ and ‘use the loo’, I spent the day yesterday paying special attention to the little things I do, made a mental note (mental as in, in my head, not waaaaa I’m MENTAAAAL – just so we’re clear) and put them here to inspire you to look at yourself the same way.

Erase and Unwind…

Purely as a force of habit, I spontaneously launch into rapid-fire phone action, deleting all my sent items, my calls log and my delivery reports in about five seconds flat. Clickedy click click click. GONE. I do it every night before I go to bed, or before I unhand my phone for the final time. I can be quite OCD about it, if I don’t do it, I feel like my technological life is somehow unclean.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered…

Since I could write, I’ve had an unhealthy obsession with handwriting, imitating other people’s handwriting, studying it, and most of all, writing my own name repeatedly. So every day, regardless of where I am, what I’m doing or who I’m with, I will subconsciously gain access to a pen and whatever surface is available to write on, and I will sign my name. If I ever get famous, my autograph will be totally worthless because there are entire notepads full of my signature.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes…

…When you’re fast asleep. That’s a lovely little lyric from a song in the Disney classic, Cinderella. And yes, I do dream when I’m fast asleep, but I also spend a lot of time in my waking hours having daydreams. I frequently wander off into the most random and colourful daydreams about people, my future, my past, all kinds of things. I’m a fairly dreamy kinda person. Not in the way Matt Damon is dreamy, but ya know what I mean.

Do a Little Dance…

Like Sara from Save the Last Dance, I tell people “I used to dance”. No, there was no horrific traffic accident involving a close family member that made me feel too guilty to dance. More so the Leaving Cert and pressures of teenage life that made it take a back seat. But, I used to dance. Take lessons, compete, do shows, take workshops, perform for people, the works. And all my passion for dance stayed with me. So now, on a daily basis, I break into a little dance when no one is around, and in an instant, choreograph a count of eight to whatever song happens to be playing.

Unpretty…

Unlike Sara from Save the Last Dance, I tell people “I used to be skinny”. Again, no horrific traffic accident that left me unable to stop eating. I did that all by myself. Yes, I am now a plump size 12. Inside me is a 17 stone woman trying to eat her way out of me. In my mind, I long to be back to a size 8 or even 10, where I felt I looked my best. And so, every day, at least once. I look in the mirror and wish I was thin again. Then I wish the food companies would stop sending cream filled, chocolate covered DELICIOUS pastries to my house.**

**That may or may not happen. I may just buy them in Dunnes and eat ten per episode of America’s Next Top Model. A show that makes me feel even worse about my size. Thanks Tyra.