I’m blogging so I won’t EAT.

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I did SAY I wasn’t going to keep this whole ‘eating clean’ thing regularly updated, but I’m being very honest here. If I don’t keep my fingers busy on this here keyboard, I will either burst into tears like the star of some am-dram show, or else I will DEMOLISH the giant, delicious, white chocolate Toblerone that’s mere feet from me as I write. By reading this, you’re saving me from myself.

Eating clean is SH*TE. I don’t know how on earth anyone does this long-term. I looked at Rosanna Davison’s Instagram earlier and honest to JESUS I wanted to (a) immediately post her my Toblerone (b) cry a river of tears on her behalf.

Has she forgotten how good… EVERYTHING tastes?? And then I clicked through some #fitfam #eatclean types of hashtag on Pinterest and became utterly deflated. Not (p)interested at all. Not (p)inspired either, actually. Just fat, sad and inadequate. I have a lot of respect for people with THAT MUCH discipline and motivation that they can maintain this and not go absolutely batty. As you might be able to sense, today (day two) was MUCH more difficult than yesterday.

Here are today’s thoughts:

  • OKAY, time to kick day two in the ass. Why won’t my eyes open? Ah yes, my body is clearly going into panic shut down mode from lack of dessert.
  • Breakfast. Here we go. Floor flavoured salmon and scrambled eggs. GRRRREAT.
  • All I can think about is a bowl of Cornflakes so big you can eat for an entire episode of Rachel Allen’s Easy Meals and still have some left at the end. With full fat milk and sugar on top, of course.
  • 9.07am… Finished breakfast… an hour and 53 minutes until I can eat A HANDFUL of cashew nuts. Why is there no joy in my world anymore?
  • Right, so I’ve kept myself busy there for at least an hour. Right? *Checks clock* 9.21am. WHY is time standing still???
  • I can’t believe I just opened my desk drawer to LOOK at a packet of Chocolate Buttons.
  • RIGHT FINE I GIVE UP. I’m gonna eat the Buttons. *stops self*
  • Maybe if I just work out really, extra super hard I will be the shape I want? You know that’s not true. It’s 70% diet and 30% exercise, right? Maths makes me want some Birdseye Potato Waffles (they’re waffle-y versatile)
  • I CAN’T SEE!! I’m slowly going blind from lack of sugar/carbs/happiness.
  • Right, this lunch won’t be too bad. Ah, the lies we tell ourselves.
  • Are you kidding me here?? A handful of blueberries “should ease the sugar craving”??? That’s like saying a paracetamol and a pat on the head will placate a heroin addict looking to score.
  • Don’t panic, you’ve got a lovely (TINY) steak and some truly delicious (FLAVOURLESS) peas and carrots for dinner…
  • Maybe if I wear my sunglasses indoors it’ll hide the tears?
  • I can’t believe I have to walk from my desk to my car soon. I’m running on empty here people! Playing chicken with the fuel tank IN MY BODY.
  • Why are those Drumstick lollipops placed so closely to the till?? All I wanna do is pay for petrol and I’m being HARASSED by seemingly innocent confections.
  • So WHAT if I just booked myself in for a blow dry because I can’t face the thoughts of washing my own hair?? What are you, the hygiene police??
  • This headache is interesting in that it’s been here all day and yet I haven’t tried to self medicate with caffeine (Coca Cola) or a 24 pack of Jaffa Cakes like I usually would. And by interesting of course I mean more TORTUROUS than a death wagon from hell.
  • I hate this. This is soul destroying. It better get better or I’m gonna end up on one of those reality shows where they have to airlift me from my bed because I’ll have gone rogue and eaten my way through Musgraves’ warehouse and every branch of Nandos in Ireland.
  • My mother just tried to speak to me there and I couldn’t even smile. This no sugar thing has wiped my personality chip, it seems.
  • I’M NOT ME anymore. I’m not entertaining, I’m boring. I can’t write. I can’t converse! WAS SUGAR THE SOURCE OF ALL MY POWER?!!

By now, I’m sure, this moaning has gotten to be too much for you all. No doubt you’re all clicking away, off looking at Blake Lively’s ill-conceived Gwyneth Paltrow imitation project or some new wholly inaccurate list on Buzzfeed. But if you’re still here, I beg of you. Send me some good thoughts. Send me some motivational mumbo-jumbo that you think might help. And failing that? Send me one of everything of the McDonalds Eurosaver menu. I’d be terribly grateful.

I’m going to sleep now. It’s 10pm and sleep is like a time machine to my next meal.
Adieu.

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I’m HUNGRY

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Why the beyond boring blogpost title, you ask? One tenuous link comin’ up…

Blake Lively launched her own ‘Goop’-eqsue website today called Preserve and for anyone about to google it to find out what the hell I’m on about, let me save you the hassle. It’s confusing and vague and pointless. But she does reference being hungry quite a lot in her editor’s letter. And while she, she tells us, is ‘hungry for experiences’ rather than ‘enchiladas’, (sorry there, what a spa. I don’t care if you’ve got princess hair) I my friends, am just plain HUNGRY right now. Allow me to explain.

Right, so I’m around a size 12. Or a ten on a great day, a 14 on a not-so-great day. I’ll be very honest and say that six days out of seven I find serious fault with the way I look. On the seventh day, I go absolutely biblical with the selfies to capture the moment where I didn’t feel like the back end of a (badly dressed) bus. People who only know me via the internet would most definitely pass me in the street because I do not look like my profile pictures. Any of them.

Anyway, where I’m going with this. I exercise a good bit, I do pretty intense weight training twice a week and always give 100% to it. I frequently lose my hearing/will to live during a session which my trainer can vouch for, and on more than one occasion I’ve gotten sick in my mouth a little. (Overshare?!)

But I don’t diet. My diet is pretty rotten, actually. I eat sugar like it’s going out of fashion. Fizzy drinks, complex carbs, chocolate, ice cream. You dream it, I’ll eat it. So while I know I have lots o’muscle going on, no one can see it properly because it’s bathed in Nutella and garlic mayonnaise. With that in mind, for the second time this year, I decided to go sugar-free. This time it’s a six week plan. I’m only on day one, and so far, it’s going terribly. Today at work was TOUGH. Please see exhibit A…

The madness that went through my mind as I sat at my desk today in no particular order…

  • Can’t wait for lunch, I’m absolutely hank marvin’. OH NO, SORRY. Take it back. Lunch is salad and salmon, without sauce and without joy.
  • Great, lunch has finally arrived. Make the best of it. Stay positive. You’re not even THAT hungry, like. *Lies, all lies*
  • Okay. This cherry tomato is delicious. I can do this. God I love red onion.
  • This salmon tastes like floor. How can fish taste like floor??!?
  • I’m bereft.
  • Have another glass of water. Your skin will look fantastic and sure it’s a hot day, you’ll be the most hydrated person ever. And if you need to pee 89 times… Well that’s just more exercise!
  • I might die.
  • I wonder will I have enough energy for the gym later if I eat like a rabbit today? Probably not. Maybe if I faint they’ll inject me with sugar to pep me back up?!
  • It’s only…. 116 hours until I can have a cheat meal. I wonder if they count five pizzas as one cheat meal?
  • I might just go have a little cry somewhere.
  • Why didn’t I clear my desk of all chocolately goodness yesterday before this eating clean thing began?? The Cadbury’s Giant Chocolate Buttons are staring at me, mocking me. They’re drawing me in. Maybe just one? NO. Stay strong.
  • But just ONE won’t hurt. YES IT WILL. You’re a weakling, woman. A weakling. You can’t go half a day without sugar. It controls you.
  • OMG sugar totally controls me. I’ve had a breakthrough.
  • I wish I could have some kind of sugary reward for arriving at my breakthrough, although that would probably be counterproductive.
  • I wonder if I just lick the chocolate would that ease my cravings?? What if some of the chocolate melted? Ooh. Wait hang on, that’s still eating sugar. Sh*t.
  • It’s fine. It’s 1.56pm. I can totally wait FOUR MORE DAYS to eat something I actually want.
  • I wish I had a chef. I wish I was a chef. I wish I was loaded and could just get lipo and be done with all this.
  • I have a headache. Chocolate would totally fix that, it’s like nature’s Panadol. Except it’s not from nature, it’s processed. Processed = bad. Sugar = bad. I love sugar.
  • ALL I WANT IN THE UNIVERSE IS A GOD DAMN CHOCOLATE BUTTON. Just the one. Once it’s a giant one. Covered in syrup and washed down with an ice cold can of Coca Cola.
  • I have to go lift very heavy weights for an hour now. And do planks, and row, and stay alive. Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive… *Bee Gees medley continues unabated for a good three minutes until hunger hits to torture me afresh.*

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I won’t be keeping you posted on my progress, because then I’ll only get the guilts when I break and eat an entire Lemon Meringue Pie in one sitting. You have no idea how hard it was just to TYPE that beautiful dessert. If you don’t hear from me, send four boxes of McVities Jaffa Cakes to….. That Girl That Looks Upset, First Floor, 334, Death Road, Hell. Ta.

Bye now.

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Not Lovin’ It…

You’ve all heard of the cheeky, charming, lighthearted recipe-based (but so much more besides) website, Lovin’ Dublin. Right? Probably.

It’s everywhere at the minute. In every company’s lunch time of a Wednesday courtesy of the genius initiative that is Lovin’ Box (which, in fairness, is pretty clever and though I’ve never had one I would love to try one). On your Twitter, on your Facebook newsfeed, on Instagram, the #minireview hashtag is one I love checking out. I love the recipes, for the most part. I love the reviews, for the most part. I love its intention: giving Dublin’s cultural and foodie development the spotlight it deserves, and making sure people are eating in and enjoying Dublin at its very best.

I like it so much, in fact, that I wrote a piece on Dublin’s Best Virgins (cocktails, people. Keep your hats on…) for it and got a grand aul response. As a Dublin girl, I should feel nothing but proud of this beacon of love for my home city.

What is it about the site that has, lately, left a bitter taste in my mouth that even one of the delicious looking recipes can’t rid me of?

The fact that more often than not, I’m offended (either directly or on behalf of someone else) by what Niall Harbison, the site’s creator, writes. 

I’m not easily offended, and I’d never be described as someone who attends every argument they’re invited to. I don’t usually engage in online bickering because in general, I reckon it’s a bit pointless. But I read something earlier that was so pretentious and downright disappointing that I just had to write about it.

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This whole passage about bridge jumping “knackers” just makes me sad. The least clever form of humour is the humour that requires you to tear strips off someone else in order to be funny. I found this post neither funny, nor clever. Likewise, this:

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I’m from Dublin. But I’m also from Ireland, and sure, there might be differences between people from different counties but “a complete muck savage bogger up on the train for the day…” is not a sentence I’d ever use on a blog that talks about positivity and growth and development. And for the record, I’m from Dublin and I’m totally SH*TE at using chopsticks. It seems some of the Lovin’ Dublin commenters feel a similar way…

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This sort of stuff isn’t present in every post of his, granted, but in enough to make me want to ignore a post when I see the “By Niall Harbison” bio on a post. With a platform like Lovin’ Dublin, a bit of responsibility should probably be exercised. And whoever is in charge of the editorial integrity of the site needs to stand up to the creator and say ah heyor.

Without getting too ranty about it, I just want to say this. To anyone and everyone. If you claim to love Dublin, don’t set about insulting the people that live there. In fact, an idea might be to stick to positivity and steer clear entirely from the insults – isn’t that the point of the website in the first place?

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PS. I’m half expecting that if anyone other than my dad reads this I might get a bit of abuse for writing it. And I’ll be honest, I’m scared of that. I hate wading in with opinions because I’m totally afraid to offend anyone and hate confrontation. But I just feel like I had to say something! So go on. Lambaste.

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The REAL Statement (as imagined by me)…

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Here were my immediate thoughts on The Statement…

1. OH MY GOD

2. OH MY GOD this is going to be good. She never does this. It’s her policy to keep her private family stuff private and here she is releasing a statement because they were caught RAPIH on video

3. Eh, right. This is telling me nothing. When you say “…there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident…” that IMPLIES that you might, I dunno, kill the speculation by telling us??

4. Okay wonderful, they’ve all apologised and moved forward. BUT WHAT HAPPENED PLEASE THANKS!?

5. Family family family, blah blah blah

6. Reports of Solange being intoxicated are false? Not sure I believe that lads, wha?

7. WHY IS THIS ALL SO BLAND?! There is no new information here.

What I think, having had a chance to compose my thoughts…

Right, it’s the least exciting statement ever written about anything, they didn’t coin ANY new phrases (Gwyneth 1 – 0 Beyoncé) but here. They’re a family. Things happen. Fights happen. Show me one family who hasn’t gone to a party as a unit and come back as a broken down piece of crap that heals itself miraculously a week later and I’ll show you The Brady Bunch. And maybe the Nolans. But that’s it.

They hadn’t intended for that fight to be shown to the public, and I’m sure if your family had carried on like that you’d be bleedin’ scarleh’ as well? So maybe we should just accept Bey/Jay/Solange’s boring-as-sh*te statement and let them get back to being painstakingly private?

Now. HERE is what the statement might as well have said… As imagined by me:

“Hey public. If you could stop your incessant internet flapping for a moment, we’re gonna just straighten out NOTHING about what happened the other night.

What we WILL say is that Beyoncé, Jay Z and Solange are members of the same family. Did you know that? Well they are. And they had a bit of a barney in a lift and thought no one would see. BUT SOMEONE DID. That someone is now fired but considerably richer than they were before this occured. 

We’re gonna divulge sweet feck all about why we rowed. We’re gonna tell you that Solange wasn’t DRANKIN’, and that Jay is a lovely gentleman who made up with his nutbag sister-in-law, and now everything in their family is just plain DANDY.

So if you could all kindly stop harassing us and making wildly accusatory comments about us all, we’d really appreciate it. And before you all ask, Rihanna and Rita Ora won’t be commenting on anything, and we’ve already had our bodyguard’s mouth taped up. Nighty night now. SUCKAAAAAS!!”

WAH, etc.

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Full Statement on #Liftgate

We are family... says Beyoncé of her sis and hubby

We are family… says Beyoncé of her sis and hubby

WOAH WOAH WOAH. 

Beyoncé has done what she RARELY does…
Together with Jay Z and Solange, and no doubt a team of Olivia Pope crack PRs, she has released a statement. It went out tonight, Thursday May 15, via the Associated Press, and is now doing the round on Twitter. In case you wanna read it, here it is:

“As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it,” an exclusive statement to The Associated Press said Thursday. “Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.

“The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false,” the statement continued. “At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”

I HAVE TO GO AWAY AND COMPOSE MY THOUGHTS.

What I will say though is… How BLAND. I need more, Bey. Juice, I need juice.

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